on the cusp

Posted on: 29 February 2012

Sometimes I’m so eager for munchkin to be here. I want to know whether we’ll be parents to a son or a daughter. I wonder what s/he will look like. I wonder about personality, temperament. I wonder how motherhood will change my life and my worldview.

At other times I feel like dragging my feet. Pregnancy is easy. Parenthood seems difficult. I fear it will wage war with my natural inclinations toward selfishness and laziness.

Also, Kevin and I have been married for nearly four years, and we’re comfortable. I enjoy the life and the relationship dynamic that we have. It’s laid-back and affectionate and fun. Time and again I hear new mothers say that they can no longer imagine life without their child, that it’s as if their little one has always been there … but on this side of giving birth, I don’t know what that means. Not that I don’t believe it. I just have no frame of reference, and a small part of me is afraid of messing with an already good thing.

But then munchkin starts rolling around trying to bust out, and I’m back to wondering what s/he looks like. I hope s/he has Kevin’s nose. S/he’ll probably be born with a lot of hair – really dark, really thick, really curly.

(I know my hair is straight in most pictures. Flat iron.)


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